Absence

"Food pictured in dreams is extremely like food received in the waking state; yet sleepers receive no nourishment, they are simply sleeping." - Confessions Saint Augustine

I've been absent for a reason. I have nothing encouraging to say. I want to come here and tell the truth but I also want the truth to be something bright and pretty and it's not. I'm delusional to think that the truth is something more than stark and sometimes ugly and if it is the truth I can't control what it looks like.

So here's the truth. My eating disorder is still out of control. It seems like no matter what I do, no matter what I try, no matter what angle I take or what help I try to get it haunts me and plagues and it controls me. Sometimes it does have less control, but right now I have no life b/c it is my life. I think about food and exercise all day. I dream about it at night. I dream about being thin. I dream about eating real food. I dream about treatment. I dream about running.

I want to recover. I really do. I want to eat a Christmas dinner and actually eat what everyone else eats. I want to eat Christmas dinner without purging. I want to eat Christmas dinner without having to exercise for hours afterwards. I want to eat Christmas dinner and enjoy the company of my family instead of focusing on the food.

I have no energy. I'm tired and I can't sleep. I know that I need to eat something and I need nutrients. But I'm not going to go into what I eat exactly or all of my symptom usage. I don't need to rehash everything. I think that's unhealthy for me.

I have ED group tonight and I'm glad. I need to talk to people who understand. Even if they don't really understand everything I'm going through at least they understand some of it.

Over the next couple of weeks I'm going to try and keep up with this blog more and also focus more on school and spiritual health and taking care of me. I need to take care of me. I am worth it.

Here's to now,

Laina

A turn of Events

I'm embarking on a new chapter in my life in the next few months. I have claimed in this blog that I want my life to go beyond my eating disorder and my treatment. I have the chance to take a step in a new direction. I was accepted to the University of St. Thomas a few months ago. I was thrilled to be accepted but there was no way I could go to the school without significant financial aid. I found out a day or two ago that the financial aid came through. I am very excited. So what does this have to do with my eating disorder and recovery??? Everything.

I have not finished my undergraduate degree because I have sought treatment for my eating disorder and also I have not been in good enough health to attend classes on a regular basis. I've felt as if I have failed. Education is important to me. I love school and I really want to get my degree. It's been a goal of my since I was a small child. Now, I get to try again.

I am still trying to recover from ED. I am still working towards wellness. I know that school is going to be challenging for me because of this and other reasons. In the next month or two before school starts I will be kicking it up a notch. I will be trying even harder to get my symptoms/behaviors under control. I want to start at this new school in the best health that I can manage.

I know that it's going to be difficult to stay recovery minded in the next few weeks because of the holidays and the pressures from family but I am determined. In the past two or three weeks recovery has been up and down for me. Some days I do okay, others not so okay.

My plan for refocusing is to really get serious about my diabetes management. When I am managing my diabetes I tend to cut back on symptom usage, plus diabetes management is key in my journey towards wellness. I will also be keeping in touch with my doctor on a more regular basis, faxing blood sugar scores and food journals.

I have a dream that goes beyond my eating disorder and for me to reach this dream I must manage my eating disorder behaviors.

Here's to now and to beating ED,

Laina

Awareness

I'm reading a book about awareness. I can see how my eating disorder keeps me unaware. It masks feelings and thoughts. The book talks about being aware of my feelings and thoughts and not letting them define who I am but acknowledging them and understanding them.

I have so many feelings that I try to hide because I think they're wrong or something. I feel sad sometimes and I've been taught that sadness is not an acceptable feeling. The truth is it is acceptable to feel sad. My judgement of feelings isn't mine at all. It is the people around me who have judged sadness or other feelings to be unacceptable and I have adopted their beliefs. I have to wake up and be aware of what I think and decipher what I think from what others think. I am not them and they are not me and that is okay.

The eating disorder is not me. It's simply a set of behaviors that I practice which are harmful to me. I am not an eating disorder. I am not depression. I get depressed at times, but it's not who I am. Depression is just a feeling that may prevail for a time but it will eventually pass. It will not pass if I give it the power to survive by identifying myself as depressed. If that makes any sense.

It's interesting to think about myself as something other than a set of labels. I have always thought of myself in relation to labels that I have given myself and labels that others have given me. I think that if I change the labels I'll be different. I'll be a better person and I'll be happy, but the truth is as long I as I allow labels to dictate my life I will be imprisoned and unhappy.

Food is not bad. It's just food. I've associated labels and feelings with food which are untrue. This doesn't mean that it's easy to overcome the labels and feelings. It doesn't mean that I'm suddenly going to be able to eat whatever I want without feeling sad or guilty or upset. I will feel these things, but if I acknowledge that these are just feelings and they aren't reality, maybe I can get a little closer to being free from the eating disorder thinking.

I want to stop using behaviors and I'm going to ask my mom to help me. I need someone to keep me accountable. At first I'm going to ask her to help me with blood sugars and then if that goes well I'll ask her if she would be able to handle more. All I know is that I can't dig myself out of this rut on my own.

Well, here's to now,

Laina

Therapy and Books

I had therapy with K yesterday. It went quite well, to my surprise. She said that I'm stronger than I think I am and that I have all the tools necessary to recover. She also said that she thinks I should go forward with my plan to move to MN. That it will be very challenging but it might be a really good move for me. I am excited to hear that from her. In past sessions, she hasn't been so encouraging. She also told me that I am a very guarded person. People always tell me this and I can't see it. I think that I am far less guarded than I have been in the past, so when I think about how I act now I see improvement and I think I'm being very open. I guess it's something I can work on.

I talked to my mom about my therapy session yesterday and she proceeded to make jokes about my symptom usage. She was trying to tell me that she knows I'm struggling and she cares, but she says it as a joke. She said that my dad told her that they should put a disposal in the shower for me. (b/c of purging of course) I was so hurt by this comment. I also got very angry. My mom and dad think that purging is horrible (and it is) but they think that other forms of me using my eating disorder aren't bad. They don't care about restricting or exercising or even if I'm using my diabetes to control weight. The purging is all they care about and if I'm not purging then I must be fine. I tried to explain to my mom that I'm not bulimic but ednos. She doesn't get that either. They think that if I'm purging anything then I'm bulimic. That's not exactly how it works. I shouldn't worry about the label, but I want them to understand that I have a different mentality than a bulimic person or an anorexic person. That my thoughts are somewhere in the middle and include the thought processes of both disorders. (this is what I have observed)....Anyways, in the end she apologized and came out and said that she just wanted me to know that she knew I was struggling and that she wishes she could do something to help.

Despite the emotional craziness of yesterday, I did pretty well with symptoms. In fact I didn't use symptoms. I am very proud of myself for this accomplishment. I didn't take my blood sugar as often as I should have but I'm working on it.

My new reading materials over holistic health and what not is going okay. I think that it would be very easy for me to become obsessed with being 'healthy' or whatever. There is a fine balance and I am not sure if these books are helping me to overcome my eating disorder ways or just feeding my obsessive nature when it comes to food. I think I'll try to eat healthy and nutritiously period and not worry too much about what I am consuming.

Anyways, I hope that today will be another successful eating day!!

Here's to now,

Laina

Holistic approach to Food

I've been following a woman named Shan Larter on Youtube. She has recovered from an eating disorder and now she is sharing her secrets for success. I find her interesting. This may be because she has rebelled against the conventional forms of treatment for an eating disorder. She believes that treatment centers fuel eating disorders by serving foods which do not nourish our bodies or our brains. Their foods are usually high in fat and sugar so that patients can gain the necessary weight quickly and be on their way. I wouldn't say this is true with every treatment center but I can see what she is saying. I know that at melrose we had a choice of fresh fruits and vegies with every meal. But she is saying that they should go further to help us with nourishing our bodies as a whole. She claims that the reason so many fail to recover while in treatment is because we don't have the adequate nutrition for our brains and bodies to function. Fighting an eating disorder is a difficult battle and we need all the brain power we can get. She also says that treatment centers further the inflicted person's victim thinking. They take away everything and bring us to a state of helplessness when maybe empowering us to make better decisions is the better route to take.

I find her views very interesting. I haven't developed an opinion, yet. I've been to treatment centers and I have observed what she has claimed, but I do find certain aspects of treatment very helpful for recovery.

Anyways, I ordered two nutrition books which discuss the holistic approach to eating. I hope that I'll find some helpful information in these books. Whatever I find helpful I'll share here.

I know that I need to take a different approach to my eating habits, which is pretty obvious since I have an ED. I want to eat foods that will help me with my over health. I want to eat foods that aren't just empty calories with high fat and sugar that leave me hungry for more. I'm looking for substance. This might be ED talking. Sometimes I can't distinguish between my good intentions for health and ED's destructive intentions. The line can be very thin.

Today was not particularly successful for me in my fight for recovery. I used symptoms several times and I gave in to my depression by spending the day on my couch. I have therapy this week. I'm not sure what to do about my therapy situation right now, but I'm going to go to this next session at least. Tomorrow I'm going to the grocery store to stock up on food. I hate grocery stores. I can never choose what to get. I'll probably plan out my trip to help with the anxiety.

Here's to now,

Laina

Talk....

Last night was bowling with the family. I have to say the trip was a little triggering for my ED. The girls I was with are so small and all they talk about is weight. "Well have you seen so and so? They've gained xx amt. Have you seen this person?? They've lost xx. I here this new diet is really good. I here that this is great way to exercise. I'm on weight watchers. I'm working out more since I ate one meal over the holidays.....etc." I have to admit that I can't resist the temptation to join in the conversation. They start talking about weight and food and I'm all ears and I have to put my two cents in. Of course I try to make my two cents sound healthy and what not b/c I think it should, but lets be honest. It's not healthy for me to talk about weight and food.

The meal with the entire family was stressful. I had a difficult time with everything. I felt like I was back to square one. I hate that feeling. Sometimes I feel as if I've made progress with my thinking and my behaviors and other times I feel as if I have regressed. Maybe, that's how it goes? I don't know. ED is talking FAT to me today. I keep repeating the same tape in my head about my weight and my worth and acceptance. I have to find something to distract my thoughts or to change my thinking pattern. I think that I'm going to try a number of things in the next few hours/the rest of the day. The plan is to do some coloring. I know it sounds childish and it is, but it helps to have something to do with my hands sometimes. Then journaling and reading and at the same time I have to listen to music. Not the depressing music that makes me remember the times I've hated my life....something with a happy note to it. Also, the most important is to remember other skills I can use. A good one to pull out of the hat is acting opposite to my emotions and thoughts. Despite the fact that I am feeling unworthy and I think that I am fat, I will eat and I will do things that say otherwise.

Okay, so that's my little plan. The other plan of course is to follow through with the actual action of taking blood sugar and eating properly....etc.

My recovery from my ED is spiritual. I went to church this morning and while I did contemplate my prayer life and my relationship to God and others, none of this contemplation was brought on by the sermon. My preacher is not empowering people to seek God and to live in God's will. It frustrates me to no end. I understand that preachers are human, too. That they, like all of us, fall short of the glory of God. I don't expect to be knocked off my feet by a sermon. I do expect for a sermon to follow the teachings of the Bible. I mean isn't that point of going to church? To learn from God's Word, i.e. the Bible, and to do it in communion with other Christians? This particular preacher likes to state his opinions and not God's word. He even uses the term, 'this is my opinion' several times. I'm like, 'Buddy, if I wanted to know your opinion I would go to coffee or breakfast or something with you.' I know I can be critical and cynical, but I think that it's fairly reasonable for me to want to hear a sermon preached from the Bible and not taken out of context. Anyways, an important lesson for me today was that God can use any word spoken to enlighten us. He knows that we fall short of His glory....He intervenes and uses snippets of conversation to illicit thoughts and feelings. I know that it's key for me to stay aware of God and His workings, so that I can be sensitive to His Words.

We have another family meal this afternoon. I'm not excited of course, but here's to hoping that I can do it. It being making better decisions or something like that.

here's to now.

Laina

It's time to Bee HONEST

I've been in and out of treatment for an eating disorder for the past four years. It's time to be honest with myself and with anyone else who wants to listen about my journey through recovery. I have another blog where I just talk about my life in general but I want a place where I can talk about the struggles and the triumphs of my recovery.

I have to be honest right now. I haven't been honest in the past four years. At times its purposeful and at times its only to protect myself. I wish I had, but that's neither here nor there. I'm at a place in recovery where I need to say it how it is. I need somewhere that I feel free to say exactly how I think and what I feel. Even if that looks a bit messy.

I'll start out with where I'm at right now because that's really all that's important. The rest will leak into these lines in time.

I'm currently seeing a therapist, a general doctor, a psychiatrist, and an endocrinologist. I'll start with the therapist first. I don't think therapy is helping me at all. It has helped in the past but I've been in and out of therapy for the past four years and I've heard it all. I know new tools and I know all of my coping mechanisms and I know why I use them. I don't need another person to rehash my entire life with me, I don't need another person to tell me what I need to do, I don't need another person to tell me I'm wrong and I need to change. I know these things. That doesn't mean that I am doing them, but I'm trying and I'm doing the best I can right now. The point of this, I'm thinking about ceasing therapy for a while at least. I'm also in the middle of a transition. I'll be moving soon and I won't be close enough to my current therapist to continue treatment. I don't know what to do as far as therapy goes. It sounds like I don't want to go anymore and I don't but everyone tells me that I need to go to therapy. I'm torn.

General Doctor: She's great. I really like her as a doctor and a person. The only downside to my treatment with her is she knows nothing about eating disorders. Last time I saw her she didn't ask me any specifics she just assumed that I was fine, even though I had been purging upwards of 5 episodes/day for the past month. My eyes were blood shot and my skin was pasty. That's a pretty good sign that I'm not doing so well. I guess she's not so great at treating eating disorders. I do like talking to her if that counts for anything. I don't think it really does.

Psychiatrist: I've seen him once and I don't like him and I don't plan on going back. Yet another person on my 'team' who knows next to nothing about EDs. He wanted to treat me for bi-polar disorder without knowing anything about me. I told him a few things and he jumped to the conclusion that this was the answer. He prescribed me a mood stabilizer a month ago and I've yet to take it. This might be a poor decision on my part but I haven't been in any danger, so to speak of, yet. I think he's wrong.

Endocrinologist: I've seen her once. She's in Dallas which is at least 6 hours away. She's good. I like her a lot. She's willing to help me in any way. She's not really up to date on EDs either. She knows a little more than most of the Ednos I've been to, but still seriously lacking. She told me my weight which has played over and over in my head since the apt. Even though I weigh less now then I did then I can't get that blasted number out of my head. Her job is to treat the diabetes. She does that well I think. We'll see how that goes.

Obviously my team situation isn't so great. I think that much of this is due to where I am at. Texas really doesn't have many options for treatment of eating disorders. Here's what's important. I am the person in control of what I do as far as recovery goes. Yes, it helps to have support in recovery. I have friends who are going through recovery as well and they help me more than the professionals at this point.

I've put my entire life on hold for treatment in the past four years. I've given up everything. I'm about to sell my car to pay for my medical bills from my last treatment stint. I've sold my house. I've withdrawn from school several times to do more intensive therapy. I've moved across the country three times. I've lost friendships. I've lost my sanity. I've given everything I have to trying to fix myself. Nothing has worked. I've decided the only option is to live. The only option for me is to use the tools I've been taught and move forward the only way I can, one slow, painful step at a time. I've heard the "one step at a time" line so many times, but it's true. I can only do so much right now. I can't achieve wellness in one day. I can move towards it. I can make new decisions. I've learned that recovery is a journey. It's a marathon, not a sprint. I've always been a sprinter, so I have to re-train myself. I have to train everyday. I can't sprint one day and use all my energy in that one day. It's strange to re-train myself. Every thought I have has to change...how I view life as a whole has to change. It's not a bad thing. It's different, that's all.

The most important piece of my recovery is God. He is the only one who can give me the strength to make it through everyday. He's the only one who can help me to keep going when I think I've reached my end. My eating disorder has been detrimental for my relationship with God. I want to have a relationship with God. A relationship isn't about what I can get from Him, it's about knowing Him on an intimate level. It's about conversing with Him and living in Him. Living in God is the only way I will ever find true wellness. He is the source of wellness.

When I was in treatment I wasn't so gungho about recovery. I would have thought blogging about recovery as a stupid and pointless endeavor, but now that I'm not in treatment I have a desire to live. I know that I can't truly live with an eating disorder. I can't achieve my dreams of the future or the present with my head in the toilet or when I'm shaking all over from lack of food and too many diet pills. But here's the thing, I don't think that I could have gotten to this point of wanting life without the people who helped me and stood beside me during treatment. They were key to this journey. Plus, they taught invaluable skills and lessons. I'll forever be grateful to them.

Here's to now and the possibilities of life without an eating disorder,

Laina