Absence

"Food pictured in dreams is extremely like food received in the waking state; yet sleepers receive no nourishment, they are simply sleeping." - Confessions Saint Augustine

I've been absent for a reason. I have nothing encouraging to say. I want to come here and tell the truth but I also want the truth to be something bright and pretty and it's not. I'm delusional to think that the truth is something more than stark and sometimes ugly and if it is the truth I can't control what it looks like.

So here's the truth. My eating disorder is still out of control. It seems like no matter what I do, no matter what I try, no matter what angle I take or what help I try to get it haunts me and plagues and it controls me. Sometimes it does have less control, but right now I have no life b/c it is my life. I think about food and exercise all day. I dream about it at night. I dream about being thin. I dream about eating real food. I dream about treatment. I dream about running.

I want to recover. I really do. I want to eat a Christmas dinner and actually eat what everyone else eats. I want to eat Christmas dinner without purging. I want to eat Christmas dinner without having to exercise for hours afterwards. I want to eat Christmas dinner and enjoy the company of my family instead of focusing on the food.

I have no energy. I'm tired and I can't sleep. I know that I need to eat something and I need nutrients. But I'm not going to go into what I eat exactly or all of my symptom usage. I don't need to rehash everything. I think that's unhealthy for me.

I have ED group tonight and I'm glad. I need to talk to people who understand. Even if they don't really understand everything I'm going through at least they understand some of it.

Over the next couple of weeks I'm going to try and keep up with this blog more and also focus more on school and spiritual health and taking care of me. I need to take care of me. I am worth it.

Here's to now,

Laina

A turn of Events

I'm embarking on a new chapter in my life in the next few months. I have claimed in this blog that I want my life to go beyond my eating disorder and my treatment. I have the chance to take a step in a new direction. I was accepted to the University of St. Thomas a few months ago. I was thrilled to be accepted but there was no way I could go to the school without significant financial aid. I found out a day or two ago that the financial aid came through. I am very excited. So what does this have to do with my eating disorder and recovery??? Everything.

I have not finished my undergraduate degree because I have sought treatment for my eating disorder and also I have not been in good enough health to attend classes on a regular basis. I've felt as if I have failed. Education is important to me. I love school and I really want to get my degree. It's been a goal of my since I was a small child. Now, I get to try again.

I am still trying to recover from ED. I am still working towards wellness. I know that school is going to be challenging for me because of this and other reasons. In the next month or two before school starts I will be kicking it up a notch. I will be trying even harder to get my symptoms/behaviors under control. I want to start at this new school in the best health that I can manage.

I know that it's going to be difficult to stay recovery minded in the next few weeks because of the holidays and the pressures from family but I am determined. In the past two or three weeks recovery has been up and down for me. Some days I do okay, others not so okay.

My plan for refocusing is to really get serious about my diabetes management. When I am managing my diabetes I tend to cut back on symptom usage, plus diabetes management is key in my journey towards wellness. I will also be keeping in touch with my doctor on a more regular basis, faxing blood sugar scores and food journals.

I have a dream that goes beyond my eating disorder and for me to reach this dream I must manage my eating disorder behaviors.

Here's to now and to beating ED,

Laina

Awareness

I'm reading a book about awareness. I can see how my eating disorder keeps me unaware. It masks feelings and thoughts. The book talks about being aware of my feelings and thoughts and not letting them define who I am but acknowledging them and understanding them.

I have so many feelings that I try to hide because I think they're wrong or something. I feel sad sometimes and I've been taught that sadness is not an acceptable feeling. The truth is it is acceptable to feel sad. My judgement of feelings isn't mine at all. It is the people around me who have judged sadness or other feelings to be unacceptable and I have adopted their beliefs. I have to wake up and be aware of what I think and decipher what I think from what others think. I am not them and they are not me and that is okay.

The eating disorder is not me. It's simply a set of behaviors that I practice which are harmful to me. I am not an eating disorder. I am not depression. I get depressed at times, but it's not who I am. Depression is just a feeling that may prevail for a time but it will eventually pass. It will not pass if I give it the power to survive by identifying myself as depressed. If that makes any sense.

It's interesting to think about myself as something other than a set of labels. I have always thought of myself in relation to labels that I have given myself and labels that others have given me. I think that if I change the labels I'll be different. I'll be a better person and I'll be happy, but the truth is as long I as I allow labels to dictate my life I will be imprisoned and unhappy.

Food is not bad. It's just food. I've associated labels and feelings with food which are untrue. This doesn't mean that it's easy to overcome the labels and feelings. It doesn't mean that I'm suddenly going to be able to eat whatever I want without feeling sad or guilty or upset. I will feel these things, but if I acknowledge that these are just feelings and they aren't reality, maybe I can get a little closer to being free from the eating disorder thinking.

I want to stop using behaviors and I'm going to ask my mom to help me. I need someone to keep me accountable. At first I'm going to ask her to help me with blood sugars and then if that goes well I'll ask her if she would be able to handle more. All I know is that I can't dig myself out of this rut on my own.

Well, here's to now,

Laina

Therapy and Books

I had therapy with K yesterday. It went quite well, to my surprise. She said that I'm stronger than I think I am and that I have all the tools necessary to recover. She also said that she thinks I should go forward with my plan to move to MN. That it will be very challenging but it might be a really good move for me. I am excited to hear that from her. In past sessions, she hasn't been so encouraging. She also told me that I am a very guarded person. People always tell me this and I can't see it. I think that I am far less guarded than I have been in the past, so when I think about how I act now I see improvement and I think I'm being very open. I guess it's something I can work on.

I talked to my mom about my therapy session yesterday and she proceeded to make jokes about my symptom usage. She was trying to tell me that she knows I'm struggling and she cares, but she says it as a joke. She said that my dad told her that they should put a disposal in the shower for me. (b/c of purging of course) I was so hurt by this comment. I also got very angry. My mom and dad think that purging is horrible (and it is) but they think that other forms of me using my eating disorder aren't bad. They don't care about restricting or exercising or even if I'm using my diabetes to control weight. The purging is all they care about and if I'm not purging then I must be fine. I tried to explain to my mom that I'm not bulimic but ednos. She doesn't get that either. They think that if I'm purging anything then I'm bulimic. That's not exactly how it works. I shouldn't worry about the label, but I want them to understand that I have a different mentality than a bulimic person or an anorexic person. That my thoughts are somewhere in the middle and include the thought processes of both disorders. (this is what I have observed)....Anyways, in the end she apologized and came out and said that she just wanted me to know that she knew I was struggling and that she wishes she could do something to help.

Despite the emotional craziness of yesterday, I did pretty well with symptoms. In fact I didn't use symptoms. I am very proud of myself for this accomplishment. I didn't take my blood sugar as often as I should have but I'm working on it.

My new reading materials over holistic health and what not is going okay. I think that it would be very easy for me to become obsessed with being 'healthy' or whatever. There is a fine balance and I am not sure if these books are helping me to overcome my eating disorder ways or just feeding my obsessive nature when it comes to food. I think I'll try to eat healthy and nutritiously period and not worry too much about what I am consuming.

Anyways, I hope that today will be another successful eating day!!

Here's to now,

Laina