Therapy and Books

I had therapy with K yesterday. It went quite well, to my surprise. She said that I'm stronger than I think I am and that I have all the tools necessary to recover. She also said that she thinks I should go forward with my plan to move to MN. That it will be very challenging but it might be a really good move for me. I am excited to hear that from her. In past sessions, she hasn't been so encouraging. She also told me that I am a very guarded person. People always tell me this and I can't see it. I think that I am far less guarded than I have been in the past, so when I think about how I act now I see improvement and I think I'm being very open. I guess it's something I can work on.

I talked to my mom about my therapy session yesterday and she proceeded to make jokes about my symptom usage. She was trying to tell me that she knows I'm struggling and she cares, but she says it as a joke. She said that my dad told her that they should put a disposal in the shower for me. (b/c of purging of course) I was so hurt by this comment. I also got very angry. My mom and dad think that purging is horrible (and it is) but they think that other forms of me using my eating disorder aren't bad. They don't care about restricting or exercising or even if I'm using my diabetes to control weight. The purging is all they care about and if I'm not purging then I must be fine. I tried to explain to my mom that I'm not bulimic but ednos. She doesn't get that either. They think that if I'm purging anything then I'm bulimic. That's not exactly how it works. I shouldn't worry about the label, but I want them to understand that I have a different mentality than a bulimic person or an anorexic person. That my thoughts are somewhere in the middle and include the thought processes of both disorders. (this is what I have observed)....Anyways, in the end she apologized and came out and said that she just wanted me to know that she knew I was struggling and that she wishes she could do something to help.

Despite the emotional craziness of yesterday, I did pretty well with symptoms. In fact I didn't use symptoms. I am very proud of myself for this accomplishment. I didn't take my blood sugar as often as I should have but I'm working on it.

My new reading materials over holistic health and what not is going okay. I think that it would be very easy for me to become obsessed with being 'healthy' or whatever. There is a fine balance and I am not sure if these books are helping me to overcome my eating disorder ways or just feeding my obsessive nature when it comes to food. I think I'll try to eat healthy and nutritiously period and not worry too much about what I am consuming.

Anyways, I hope that today will be another successful eating day!!

Here's to now,

Laina