Holistic approach to Food

I've been following a woman named Shan Larter on Youtube. She has recovered from an eating disorder and now she is sharing her secrets for success. I find her interesting. This may be because she has rebelled against the conventional forms of treatment for an eating disorder. She believes that treatment centers fuel eating disorders by serving foods which do not nourish our bodies or our brains. Their foods are usually high in fat and sugar so that patients can gain the necessary weight quickly and be on their way. I wouldn't say this is true with every treatment center but I can see what she is saying. I know that at melrose we had a choice of fresh fruits and vegies with every meal. But she is saying that they should go further to help us with nourishing our bodies as a whole. She claims that the reason so many fail to recover while in treatment is because we don't have the adequate nutrition for our brains and bodies to function. Fighting an eating disorder is a difficult battle and we need all the brain power we can get. She also says that treatment centers further the inflicted person's victim thinking. They take away everything and bring us to a state of helplessness when maybe empowering us to make better decisions is the better route to take.

I find her views very interesting. I haven't developed an opinion, yet. I've been to treatment centers and I have observed what she has claimed, but I do find certain aspects of treatment very helpful for recovery.

Anyways, I ordered two nutrition books which discuss the holistic approach to eating. I hope that I'll find some helpful information in these books. Whatever I find helpful I'll share here.

I know that I need to take a different approach to my eating habits, which is pretty obvious since I have an ED. I want to eat foods that will help me with my over health. I want to eat foods that aren't just empty calories with high fat and sugar that leave me hungry for more. I'm looking for substance. This might be ED talking. Sometimes I can't distinguish between my good intentions for health and ED's destructive intentions. The line can be very thin.

Today was not particularly successful for me in my fight for recovery. I used symptoms several times and I gave in to my depression by spending the day on my couch. I have therapy this week. I'm not sure what to do about my therapy situation right now, but I'm going to go to this next session at least. Tomorrow I'm going to the grocery store to stock up on food. I hate grocery stores. I can never choose what to get. I'll probably plan out my trip to help with the anxiety.

Here's to now,

Laina

Talk....

Last night was bowling with the family. I have to say the trip was a little triggering for my ED. The girls I was with are so small and all they talk about is weight. "Well have you seen so and so? They've gained xx amt. Have you seen this person?? They've lost xx. I here this new diet is really good. I here that this is great way to exercise. I'm on weight watchers. I'm working out more since I ate one meal over the holidays.....etc." I have to admit that I can't resist the temptation to join in the conversation. They start talking about weight and food and I'm all ears and I have to put my two cents in. Of course I try to make my two cents sound healthy and what not b/c I think it should, but lets be honest. It's not healthy for me to talk about weight and food.

The meal with the entire family was stressful. I had a difficult time with everything. I felt like I was back to square one. I hate that feeling. Sometimes I feel as if I've made progress with my thinking and my behaviors and other times I feel as if I have regressed. Maybe, that's how it goes? I don't know. ED is talking FAT to me today. I keep repeating the same tape in my head about my weight and my worth and acceptance. I have to find something to distract my thoughts or to change my thinking pattern. I think that I'm going to try a number of things in the next few hours/the rest of the day. The plan is to do some coloring. I know it sounds childish and it is, but it helps to have something to do with my hands sometimes. Then journaling and reading and at the same time I have to listen to music. Not the depressing music that makes me remember the times I've hated my life....something with a happy note to it. Also, the most important is to remember other skills I can use. A good one to pull out of the hat is acting opposite to my emotions and thoughts. Despite the fact that I am feeling unworthy and I think that I am fat, I will eat and I will do things that say otherwise.

Okay, so that's my little plan. The other plan of course is to follow through with the actual action of taking blood sugar and eating properly....etc.

My recovery from my ED is spiritual. I went to church this morning and while I did contemplate my prayer life and my relationship to God and others, none of this contemplation was brought on by the sermon. My preacher is not empowering people to seek God and to live in God's will. It frustrates me to no end. I understand that preachers are human, too. That they, like all of us, fall short of the glory of God. I don't expect to be knocked off my feet by a sermon. I do expect for a sermon to follow the teachings of the Bible. I mean isn't that point of going to church? To learn from God's Word, i.e. the Bible, and to do it in communion with other Christians? This particular preacher likes to state his opinions and not God's word. He even uses the term, 'this is my opinion' several times. I'm like, 'Buddy, if I wanted to know your opinion I would go to coffee or breakfast or something with you.' I know I can be critical and cynical, but I think that it's fairly reasonable for me to want to hear a sermon preached from the Bible and not taken out of context. Anyways, an important lesson for me today was that God can use any word spoken to enlighten us. He knows that we fall short of His glory....He intervenes and uses snippets of conversation to illicit thoughts and feelings. I know that it's key for me to stay aware of God and His workings, so that I can be sensitive to His Words.

We have another family meal this afternoon. I'm not excited of course, but here's to hoping that I can do it. It being making better decisions or something like that.

here's to now.

Laina

It's time to Bee HONEST

I've been in and out of treatment for an eating disorder for the past four years. It's time to be honest with myself and with anyone else who wants to listen about my journey through recovery. I have another blog where I just talk about my life in general but I want a place where I can talk about the struggles and the triumphs of my recovery.

I have to be honest right now. I haven't been honest in the past four years. At times its purposeful and at times its only to protect myself. I wish I had, but that's neither here nor there. I'm at a place in recovery where I need to say it how it is. I need somewhere that I feel free to say exactly how I think and what I feel. Even if that looks a bit messy.

I'll start out with where I'm at right now because that's really all that's important. The rest will leak into these lines in time.

I'm currently seeing a therapist, a general doctor, a psychiatrist, and an endocrinologist. I'll start with the therapist first. I don't think therapy is helping me at all. It has helped in the past but I've been in and out of therapy for the past four years and I've heard it all. I know new tools and I know all of my coping mechanisms and I know why I use them. I don't need another person to rehash my entire life with me, I don't need another person to tell me what I need to do, I don't need another person to tell me I'm wrong and I need to change. I know these things. That doesn't mean that I am doing them, but I'm trying and I'm doing the best I can right now. The point of this, I'm thinking about ceasing therapy for a while at least. I'm also in the middle of a transition. I'll be moving soon and I won't be close enough to my current therapist to continue treatment. I don't know what to do as far as therapy goes. It sounds like I don't want to go anymore and I don't but everyone tells me that I need to go to therapy. I'm torn.

General Doctor: She's great. I really like her as a doctor and a person. The only downside to my treatment with her is she knows nothing about eating disorders. Last time I saw her she didn't ask me any specifics she just assumed that I was fine, even though I had been purging upwards of 5 episodes/day for the past month. My eyes were blood shot and my skin was pasty. That's a pretty good sign that I'm not doing so well. I guess she's not so great at treating eating disorders. I do like talking to her if that counts for anything. I don't think it really does.

Psychiatrist: I've seen him once and I don't like him and I don't plan on going back. Yet another person on my 'team' who knows next to nothing about EDs. He wanted to treat me for bi-polar disorder without knowing anything about me. I told him a few things and he jumped to the conclusion that this was the answer. He prescribed me a mood stabilizer a month ago and I've yet to take it. This might be a poor decision on my part but I haven't been in any danger, so to speak of, yet. I think he's wrong.

Endocrinologist: I've seen her once. She's in Dallas which is at least 6 hours away. She's good. I like her a lot. She's willing to help me in any way. She's not really up to date on EDs either. She knows a little more than most of the Ednos I've been to, but still seriously lacking. She told me my weight which has played over and over in my head since the apt. Even though I weigh less now then I did then I can't get that blasted number out of my head. Her job is to treat the diabetes. She does that well I think. We'll see how that goes.

Obviously my team situation isn't so great. I think that much of this is due to where I am at. Texas really doesn't have many options for treatment of eating disorders. Here's what's important. I am the person in control of what I do as far as recovery goes. Yes, it helps to have support in recovery. I have friends who are going through recovery as well and they help me more than the professionals at this point.

I've put my entire life on hold for treatment in the past four years. I've given up everything. I'm about to sell my car to pay for my medical bills from my last treatment stint. I've sold my house. I've withdrawn from school several times to do more intensive therapy. I've moved across the country three times. I've lost friendships. I've lost my sanity. I've given everything I have to trying to fix myself. Nothing has worked. I've decided the only option is to live. The only option for me is to use the tools I've been taught and move forward the only way I can, one slow, painful step at a time. I've heard the "one step at a time" line so many times, but it's true. I can only do so much right now. I can't achieve wellness in one day. I can move towards it. I can make new decisions. I've learned that recovery is a journey. It's a marathon, not a sprint. I've always been a sprinter, so I have to re-train myself. I have to train everyday. I can't sprint one day and use all my energy in that one day. It's strange to re-train myself. Every thought I have has to change...how I view life as a whole has to change. It's not a bad thing. It's different, that's all.

The most important piece of my recovery is God. He is the only one who can give me the strength to make it through everyday. He's the only one who can help me to keep going when I think I've reached my end. My eating disorder has been detrimental for my relationship with God. I want to have a relationship with God. A relationship isn't about what I can get from Him, it's about knowing Him on an intimate level. It's about conversing with Him and living in Him. Living in God is the only way I will ever find true wellness. He is the source of wellness.

When I was in treatment I wasn't so gungho about recovery. I would have thought blogging about recovery as a stupid and pointless endeavor, but now that I'm not in treatment I have a desire to live. I know that I can't truly live with an eating disorder. I can't achieve my dreams of the future or the present with my head in the toilet or when I'm shaking all over from lack of food and too many diet pills. But here's the thing, I don't think that I could have gotten to this point of wanting life without the people who helped me and stood beside me during treatment. They were key to this journey. Plus, they taught invaluable skills and lessons. I'll forever be grateful to them.

Here's to now and the possibilities of life without an eating disorder,

Laina