Talk....

Last night was bowling with the family. I have to say the trip was a little triggering for my ED. The girls I was with are so small and all they talk about is weight. "Well have you seen so and so? They've gained xx amt. Have you seen this person?? They've lost xx. I here this new diet is really good. I here that this is great way to exercise. I'm on weight watchers. I'm working out more since I ate one meal over the holidays.....etc." I have to admit that I can't resist the temptation to join in the conversation. They start talking about weight and food and I'm all ears and I have to put my two cents in. Of course I try to make my two cents sound healthy and what not b/c I think it should, but lets be honest. It's not healthy for me to talk about weight and food.

The meal with the entire family was stressful. I had a difficult time with everything. I felt like I was back to square one. I hate that feeling. Sometimes I feel as if I've made progress with my thinking and my behaviors and other times I feel as if I have regressed. Maybe, that's how it goes? I don't know. ED is talking FAT to me today. I keep repeating the same tape in my head about my weight and my worth and acceptance. I have to find something to distract my thoughts or to change my thinking pattern. I think that I'm going to try a number of things in the next few hours/the rest of the day. The plan is to do some coloring. I know it sounds childish and it is, but it helps to have something to do with my hands sometimes. Then journaling and reading and at the same time I have to listen to music. Not the depressing music that makes me remember the times I've hated my life....something with a happy note to it. Also, the most important is to remember other skills I can use. A good one to pull out of the hat is acting opposite to my emotions and thoughts. Despite the fact that I am feeling unworthy and I think that I am fat, I will eat and I will do things that say otherwise.

Okay, so that's my little plan. The other plan of course is to follow through with the actual action of taking blood sugar and eating properly....etc.

My recovery from my ED is spiritual. I went to church this morning and while I did contemplate my prayer life and my relationship to God and others, none of this contemplation was brought on by the sermon. My preacher is not empowering people to seek God and to live in God's will. It frustrates me to no end. I understand that preachers are human, too. That they, like all of us, fall short of the glory of God. I don't expect to be knocked off my feet by a sermon. I do expect for a sermon to follow the teachings of the Bible. I mean isn't that point of going to church? To learn from God's Word, i.e. the Bible, and to do it in communion with other Christians? This particular preacher likes to state his opinions and not God's word. He even uses the term, 'this is my opinion' several times. I'm like, 'Buddy, if I wanted to know your opinion I would go to coffee or breakfast or something with you.' I know I can be critical and cynical, but I think that it's fairly reasonable for me to want to hear a sermon preached from the Bible and not taken out of context. Anyways, an important lesson for me today was that God can use any word spoken to enlighten us. He knows that we fall short of His glory....He intervenes and uses snippets of conversation to illicit thoughts and feelings. I know that it's key for me to stay aware of God and His workings, so that I can be sensitive to His Words.

We have another family meal this afternoon. I'm not excited of course, but here's to hoping that I can do it. It being making better decisions or something like that.

here's to now.

Laina