Recovery Mind

I've been trying very hard to recover. I forget how difficult it is to stop certain behaviors after using them for long periods of time. I have a good day with no purging and eating some food....then the next day I purge every morsel that enters my mouth. I try again. I purge only once. Then I might have another day of purging everything. I try again. I don't purge. I feel good that I didn't purge, but then I realize I worked out and burned more calories than I ate and the cycle of restriction and purging and exercising continues.

It's frustrating b/c I know that for me to reach any of my goals in the next few months I have to stop giving everything I am to this eating disorder. I have to somehow cope with my symptoms and my disorder. I want to get better. I want to live my life without the obsession of weight and numbers and food. I know that my goal to recover will take time and effort, but there are days when all my effort seems wasted. The days when I don't keep any food or water down....the days when I exercise too long and eat too little....despite my desires to change these behaviors. I know that I have to keep trying and that's part of the battle. Getting up when I've been knocked down so many times.

I just moved in with new roommates and I feel like it's a fresh start. Unfortunately my eating disorder has been evilly plotting against me. I wanted to move in and stop using behaviors or at least vastly diminish the amount of symptoms used....that hasn't happened so far. I can feel the sense of failure weighing on my spirit. I know that part of the reason I'm struggling more right now because so many changes have happened in the past few weeks. I moved 16 hours away from my family and my cats and my friends. I'm going back to school and I haven't been in school since the fall of '09. I am stressed beyond belief. I have medical bills and school bills and I have to find a job. Despite these changes and stresses, I know that I must take care of my health. I have to take my blood sugar and stop purging and eat enough to give me energy.

Anyways, I also want to keep up with my blogging. Not because I want people to read it....I don't care if anyone reads this or not. These post are for my own sanity. I write these things here b/c I need somewhere that I can express my thoughts and concerns and maybe down the road I can look back and see some kind of progression.

Well here's to now and to a better tomorrow,

Laina